Cody takes out his big bro, Goldust. Rey Mysterio comes out next, followed by Darren Young. It takes a crowd to put the big Funkasaurus over the top rope, eliminating him. Kofi puts out Tensai then gets tossed over himself by Ziggler. Only, instead of touching the floor Kofi lands on Tensai’s back. In shades of his performance at last year’s Rumble, where he walked on his hands to avoid disqualification, this time Kofi uses JBL’s chair like a pogo stick, hopping his way back in.
Impressive, but you realize, of course, this means he’s only going to have to top himself again at next year’s Rumble. If this keeps up, eventually the only way he’s going to be able to top himself is to use telepathic powers to levitate himself back in the ring.
Bo Dallas, an up-and-coming star from NXT comes out next. Kofi goes back in and takes out Darren Young. (It feels so wrong to be typing those words.) Cody Rhodes puts out Kofi. Next up it’s time to get on the “Hoooooooo Train” as Attitude Era fave the Godfather comes out. His Royal Pimpness doesn’t get much time to shine as Ziggler sends him right back out again with a well-placed dropkick. Oops. Maybe he should’ve come out as Papa Shango instead.
Let’s Go Cena… ahh, you know the rest.
Wade Barrett is up next, followed by… cue massive cheering/booing… John Cena. Cena puts out Slater, then Cody. Next up is Damien Sandow, bringing a little class and sophistication to the unwashed masses. Or something like that. Barrett puts out Mysterio. Daniel Bryan comes out next, followed by Antonio Cesaro and Khali. The demonic Kane makes his presence felt next, followed by the Internet Champ, Zack Ryder. Team Hell No gangs up on Khali, putting the big man out.
Bryan proves the ultimate opportunist, turning his back on his tag team partner and putting Kane over the top. Cesaro follows this by tossing Bryan, where he lands right in Kane’s hands. Bryan’s fate lies in the Demon’s hands, who prompty pays him back for his betrayal by letting him fall to the floor. Randy Orton comes out next, tossing over Zack Ryder. Next up is Jinder Mahal. Cena puts out Cesaro. The Miz comes out next, getting into a brawl with Cesaro before he even makes it to the ring, some holdover from their match earlier in the night. Sin Cara comes out in the next to last position. Which leaves the big reveal for final spot as who else but…
FEED. ME. MORE!!!
That’s right, the silverback himself, Ryback. In short order he puts out Sandow, Sin Cara (Wow, that was fast) and Miz. Jericho manages to slow the big man down with a smartly timed Codebreaker. Ziggler ensures the heat between him and Jericho won’t die down anytime soon by putting him out. Orton goes on an RKO’ing spree then puts his rope-hung DDT on Ryback. Ryback is soon back up on his feet and repays Orton by tossing him out. Sheamus puts out Ziggler with a big Brogue kick, leaving him Cena and Ryback the last three standing. Cena and Sheamus team up on Ryback. (Two faces ganging up on another pseudo-face. Yep, Bizarro world again.)
Ryback puts his clothesline from Hell on Cena. Sheamus pulls the monster into his White Noise finisher. It doesn’t put ‘Back down for long, as shortly after he tosses Sheamus, leaving him and Cena. These two behemoths wail on each other for the rest of this contest. Ryback tries for another big clothesline but Cena reverses into the STF. He picks up Ryback, placing him on the turnbuckle. Ryback slams Cena with a few hard punches, then tries to jump down on him.
Cena forces him over the ropes, effectively sealing the win. And John Cena is your new Royal Rumble champion. Which immediately propels him to the top of the running for the WWE Championship. Which obviously means he’ll be facing the Rock again at WrestleMania 30. So wait, doesn’t this mean their “Once in a Lifetime” contest at WM29 just became a… umm… “Once in a Lifetime II” sort of a deal. Can’t wait to see how they explain this one.
But wait, this is the WWE. They don’t bother with pesky stuff like continuity and logic. It’s not like there are any global repositories of digitally stored information out there anywhere that maintain a record of everything they’ve said for all eternity so people could call them on stuff like that.
Face Facts (Eh, eh, see what I did there?)
Let me just say I’m very impressed with Del Rio’s face turn. It seems the guy has always been a good guy hiding in a bad guy’s body. In hindsight it almost seems painfully obvious. Movie star good looks, a winning smile, effortless charm, his own manservant *tee-hee*. Plus his vicious streak, used as a force of good, is just a thing to behold. A thing he proves tonight as he and Big Show put on a house-bringer-downer of a performance. Show opens up with a lot of big chops, Del Rio answering with hard kicks.
After some back and forth Del Rio goes for his cross arm breaker, but Show barely moves, instead picking up Del Rio for a big slam. Alberto escapes out, where Show gets his hands on a folding chair. Del Rio dropkicks it back into his face. He wrestles the chair from him and lays into Show with it. Given that this is a Last Man Standing match the cards are heavily stacked against Del Rio. It’s very rare to get the Big Show off his feet, and even rarer to keep him there.
Del Rio’s manservant *tee hee* comes up with a great solution. After Alberto sprays Show with a fire extinguisher Ricardo duct tapes his feet to the ropes. Show can’t get up and the ref counts to 10. Great performance by both guys but the latest in a series of breakout ones for the rapidly rising Del Rio. (Now, as soon as someone realizes that Sheamus is a way better bad guy than good, and always has been then we’ll really be getting somewhere.)
WWE Royal Rumble 2013 results courtesy BleacherReport.com and WWE.com. Other results, courtesy WWE.com:
United States Championship Match Pre-Show
(U.S. Champion) Antonio Cesaro vs.
Winner: Antonio Cesaro
WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Team Hell No vs.
Team Rhodes Scholars
Winners: Team Hell No
Thanks for reading.
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