11 ladies remain, and they’re going to Montana of all places. They gather ‘round in their lodge to find out that Lindsey wins the one on one date. Hopefully she brought her nicest wedding dress. They chopper over to Glacier National Park and Lindsey proves to Sean she’s outdoorsy by sitting on a blanket in the outdoors.
Then they sit in front of a fire and I can’t even care enough to listen to their conversation; she’s clearly not going to win. Sean gives her a rose and then takes her to a C-List country concert.
“I thought you were just a crazy girl in a wedding dress”
I really don’t understand why he’s pretending to like her.
The next date card comes and Tierra and Jackie are the only two not on the group date. Seriously, who is Jackie?? The group date takes place at some sort of farm and there are some caged goats. Someone asks if the goats are dogs and I’m guessing it was Daniella… The girls have to split up into two teams and compete in a sort of relay race.
“Selmaaaaa come drink your milkkkk. Except its goat’s milk, and you have to drink all of it or it’s lights out.”
They also have to kayak across a lake, carry some bales of hay around, saw some wood, and milk a goat. Sara’s team wins so … there must have been a spread we didn’t know about. It doesn’t matter though because Sean invites the losing team to the group date. Desiree is full of goat’s milk and regret for downing a pointless bucket of goat milk.
“If I had known Sean was going to invite the losing team on our date, I would have drank the milk a lot slower and really savored the rich texture.”
Tierra decides to walk to the group date and sneak up on Sean. She pulls him aside to tell him that she’s not happy about her two on one date. Sean doesn’t seem too happy about it but at least Tierra got some exercise. Desiree sits down with Sean to tell him she’s officially decided to become a goat (side effects from drinking vast amounts of unpasteurized goat milk) but AshLee interrupts and pulls him aside. She tries to tell him how she feels but she can’t put it into words because she doesn’t know enough words maybe.
“I like you a lot, this feeling is… I don’t know… I mean I can tell what it feels like in my head I just don’t know how to tell you because my foster parents didn’t teach me how to talk until I was like eight years old…. but it’s like… it’s like how you feel when you organize a lot of things, you know?”
Catherine takes Sean outside and reclaims her spot as most annoying girl, bumping Lindsey down to #2. Daniella tries to steal Sean away from Catherine, but goes back inside and cries instead. It’s okay sweeite, pronouns are tricky.
“She’s just sitting on his lap and I’m like, get off her lap!”
Finally, Daniella works up the courage to talk to Sean and he ends up giving her the rose. He must have bent the rules again, opting to reward the girl with the smallest brain and/or the most unflattering hair color.
Robyn is mad Daniella won the rose because she can’t even drink that much goat milk.
For the two on one date, Tierra and Jackie go to a ranch to meet up with Sean, who is standing on the inside of the horse stable.
“You’re going to have to help resuce Sean from the horse stable. The person who is most masterful in guiding Sean’s safe exit will get a rose.”
They ride horses to a scenic picnic and Jackie tells Sean that Tierra was flirting with a guy at the airport. The three of them eat dinner in front of a fire and Jackie is sent home. NEVER throw someone under the bus on The Bachelor, that’s day one shit, Jackie. They pick her up in a limo and the lightning bolt on Tierra’s forehead flashes in triumph. Then she laughs at more of her own “jokes” during her talking head time. It’s frightening.
“I got a rose, and the best part about it is that Jackie didn’t get a rose. AHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA”
Then comes the cocktail party. Tierra says she wishes she was a fighter so she could beat everyone up, and it’s like, Tierra, just sit on them, d’huh.
The ladies take their spot on the grooming table and Selma is first to get a rose, despite the ridiculous hat she wore on the group date. Catherine gets a rose despite everything about her, Lesley M gets a rose despite the fact that she is half Ferbie, AshLee gets rose despite her small vocabulary, Sara gets rose despite the fact she has two legs, and Dez gets a rose because there aint nothin’ wrong with Dez.
Robyn doesn’t get a rose this time around. She probably should have whipped out her penis when she asked Sean if he liked chocolate. It probably would have bought her at least another week. On the bright side, she should be proud she beat all the other minorities, besides Catherina.
Will Sean ever realize Tierra is crazy? Is goat milk making a comeback? Is it just me or is this show 1.5 hours too long? Tune in tomorrow to spend another two hours of your life that you will never get back watching this show.