I recently engaged in a three-way conversation with two women I know, and they were both teasing me that I was no longer the “young spring chicken” that my mind and ego leads me to believe I am. Yes, my birthday is coming up on Sunday, March 3rd (I accept all gifts and cash, thank you!), and many times, I cannot believe how fast the last fifteen to twenty years have passed by.
There is an old adage that says, “with age comes wisdom,” and so my two female friends asked me the difference in how I look at issues related to love, sex, attraction, seduction, dating and relationships now versus ten years ago, twenty years ago, or even thirty years ago.
As with many aspects of your life, as you get older, you tend to realize that much of the advice that was fed to you as a pre-teen, teenager, or young adult turns out to be total bullsh** by the time you are thirty-five or forty. I truly believe that this is why so many senior citizens are “cranky” and “grouchy.” It is my speculation that many of these men and women in their seventies and eighties spent the majority of their youth holding on to beliefs and attitudes that proved over time to be highly invalid, and in many cases, just flat out untrue, and it caused them to develop bitterness and resentment later on in life.
As the conversation progressed, these two lady friends of mine asked me the specific question, “Alan, given that you have written a number of books that offer advice that ‘goes against the grain’ of conventional wisdom, what beliefs did you used to believe were true that you no longer believe are?” I offered a couple of responses, but I told them that I would write an article for everyone to see where I identify my personal “Top Ten Myths / Invalid Beliefs” related to love, sex, attraction, seduction, dating and relationships based on my own personal experiences, observations, conversations with others, and various advice offered to me from others.
I am going to divide my Top Ten list into three categories:
A) Three (3) invalid beliefs commonly held by men in regard to their behavior toward women . . .
B) Three (3) invalid beliefs commonly held by women in regard to their behavior toward men . . .
C) Four (4) invalid beliefs that many members of both genders have allowed to influence and impact their behavior toward members of the opposite sex
Category “A”: The Top Three Most Invalid Beliefs maintained by many men in society that in worst case scenario, “hurt” them … and at minimum, failed to “help” improve their love life, sex life, or overall social life:
1) If you exhibit the behavior of a classy, polite, well-mannered “gentleman” toward women, your popularity with women will significantly increase.
Comment: Realizing this belief was total hogwash was the #1 basis for me writing my first paperback, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking. I believe in being a “gentleman” when it comes to such nice gestures as opening a door for a woman, or helping an elderly lady across the street, but when it comes to attracting and seducing women sexually, I believe the entire concept of being a “gentleman” is extremely overrated.
The vast majority of men who I have met over the years who were known for being an A+ “gentleman” with women experienced a high degree of platonic popularity with women, but rarely if ever were those same men extremely popular with women romantically and/or sexually. Don’t believe me? Okay … name five single heterosexual men who you know personally who have maintained these two reputations for at least ten years or longer: a) a reputation for being a kind, well-mannered, considerate ‘gentleman’ or ‘nice guy’ toward women, and b) a reputation for being a prolific serial monogamist and/or womanizer.
My money says you will be hard pressed to name even two, let alone five. Now some will misinterpret my comments to mean that I am suggesting that all men act like “jerks” toward women instead of “gentlemen.” Nope. I am saying … be your real self. Some women will like it, some women will dislike it, and that is the way life works.
2) If you bring up the subject of sex too quickly or too frequently with a woman you just met, 99% chance she will perceive you as a ‘horny jerk’ and you will get criticized, insulted, and ultimately rejected.
Comment: I hate to always shamelessly plug my books in my articles, but the reality is, this invalid belief was the #1 basis for me writing my third paperback, Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. When I do workshops and speaking engagements, I always have a number of men that will bring this up. “Alan, won’t expressing a desire to have sex with a woman in your very first conversation with her turn her off? Won’t she look at you as horny, desperate, or simply a jerk?”
When thinking of all of the women I have had sex with in my adult life, I would estimate that with no less than three-fourths of these women, I let them know I wanted to have sex with them by the end of my very first conversation. To take it a step further, when it comes to women that I knew from the beginning that all I wanted was nothing more than short-term non-monogamous “casual” sex with, that percentage probably goes up to ninety-five percent.
It is my strong belief that of all the “fears” that men have related to conversing with women and generally interacting with women, the fear of bringing up sex too quickly or too frequently is arguably their most prominent fear. This fear, and invalid belief #1 (the notion of being a “gentleman”) go hand-in-hand.
3) The number one key to attracting romantic and sexual attention from women is to be successful in your career, and to have lots of money. You cannot attract women being broke and/or unemployed.
Comment: I tell my male readers and coaching clients this all the time: Career success and financial success is arguably the most overrated factor to attracting women with a genuine interest in you. The key words are “genuine interest.”
If I won $100 million in the lottery, surely I would get a lot more attention from materialistic “gold digger” types. There is a difference though between attracting a woman who wants to ‘use you’ for your money, and receiving attention from a woman who just genuinely enjoys your company.
I have met many men in my life who were broke and unemployed for a number of weeks, months, or even a year or two that still got laid regularly. I have met other men in my life that had good jobs, a nice car, a nice house, and money in the bank whose love life, sex life, and social life was virtually non-existent. In 1990, I was a struggling actor and stand-up comedian, and for most of the year I was damn near broke, I never had a 9-to-5 type job, and I had not earned my undergraduate college degree yet. Yet, given all of those “undesirable factors” in my life, I had sex with approximately fifteen different attractive, sexy women. I had dozens of other women giving me attention.
Again, I do not want people to misinterpret my words. I am not saying that it is better to be broke and unemployed than it is to be gainfully employed and self-sufficient. I am not suggesting that at all. But the reality is this: If a woman never gave you any attention when you were earning $40,000 per year, but now that you are earning $140,000 per year, she calls you every day? C’mon son. C’mon. That is not representative of ‘genuine’ interest on her part.
Category “B”: The Top Three Most Invalid Beliefs maintained by many women in society that in worst case scenario, “hurt” them … and at minimum, failed to “help” improve their love life, sex life, or overall social life:
1) If you present yourself as a chaste, erotically conservative “good girl,” you will have a much better chance at attracting a husband or at least a long-term romantic companion.
Comment: Most women who are thirty-five years of age or older know by now that this belief is a joke. I mentioned in one of my previous articles that when I think of women I went to high school and college with, and I think of the women who had a reputation for being a “prudish good girl” and I think of the women who had a reputation for being ‘kinky’ and/or promiscuous, I know more women in the latter category who are now happily married with children than I do women from the ‘prudish’ category.
There is a big difference between being “sexually selective” and being “prudish.” Most men love women who are the former, but not really the latter. Men want to enjoy themselves sexually, and it is very challenging to enjoy yourself sexually with a woman with very prudish attitudes toward sex.
Bottom line: There are women who are strippers and porn stars who have boyfriends and husbands, and they are women who are Sunday School teachers and regular church-going gals who have been single for years. Go figure.
2) Always let men know that you are a ‘strong, independent’ woman, and never give in to a man’s desire to have you behave in a ‘submissive’ manner, because if you do, you will suffer nothing less than verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
Comment: On my talk radio podcast program, Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, I have had a number of discussions about the idea of women being ‘submissive’ to their husbands or boyfriends. Most of my emphasis tends to be specifically on “erotic submission,” but nonetheless, many of my discussions have caused a number of my female listeners to get riled up.
I notice a lot of women these days have a very adverse reaction to the idea of being submissive to a man. For a lot of women, being “submissive” is synonymous with being a “doormat.” Nothing could be further from the truth.
I watched a special on the OWN Network, entitled “Our America: Shades of Kink” hosted by journalist Lisa Ling. Ms. Ling interviewed men and women who were into very “kinky” forms of sex in their relationships. One comment that was made by one woman was, “A lot of women think if you are submissive, that means you have no power. That is so untrue. Actually, it is the sub, or ‘bottom,’ who has the most power. They can decide at anytime not to submit anymore.”
I say in my book, Say it Again, that the woman always has the final say-so in matters related to sex. Always. The only exception, of course, would be instances of rape, date rape, and sexual assault. Those dreadful experiences aside, a woman is always the “decision maker’ when it comes to sex. How much more power does a woman need?
Women need to realize … there is a difference between being “strong” and “bossy.” I do not know too many men, unless they are passive and submissive in their own right, who want to be in a relationship with a “bossy” woman. A bossy woman is as much a turn on to the average man as much as a weak, wimpy, indecisive man is a turn on to the average woman. We want a woman who is ‘strong’ in the sense that unexpected episodes of adversity or the everyday challenges of life do not cause her to have a nervous breakdown, but no man wants a “second mother” as a girlfriend or wife. With all due respect to Book Author Sherry Argov, not all men “love bitches.”
3) You should never make the “first move” with men. Men should always make the first move. If a woman makes the first move, she will be perceived as promiscuous or desperate. Never pursue men … always let them pursue you.
Comment: This is a belief that probably was fairly valid up until about the 1960s, 1970s, or even the 1980s. In the 21st Century? This belief is very invalid. As a woman in the New Millennium, you can no longer wait around for all men to come to you. You have to be proactive and make things happen in your love life, sex life, and overall social life.
I love women who are assertive. So do many other men I have conversed with over the years. There is a difference between being “assertive” and “aggressive.” The latter actually can be a big turn off to many men, but not the former. An example of being ‘assertive’ would be a woman approaching a man at a party or social event, introducing herself, and at the end of the conversation, presenting that man with a business card or “contact card” and telling him to stay in touch.
On the other hand, an example of being “aggressive” would be if giving a man your telephone number, and then proceeding to tell him what day to call you, how often to call you, and then if he fails to call you on the day you expected him to, you go out of your way to get in contact with him in order to admonish him for not calling you. The latter would turn most men off.
If you meet a man who attracts you, let him know that you welcome him to stay in touch with you and communicate with you on a regular basis. Then, leave the ball in his court and let him take over from there.
Category “C”: The Top Four Most Invalid Beliefs maintained by both men AND women in society that in worst case scenario, “hurt” them … and at minimum, failed to “help” improve their love life, sex life, or overall social life:
1) You should never put too much emphasis on “looks” and physical appearance. What matters is your personality, your behavior, and your moral character. Emphasizing looks causes you to be perceived as shallow and superficial.
Comment: For me, looks and sex are two things that should never be “overemphasized” or “underemphasized.” You should never select a new boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife solely and specifically based on their physical appearance … but at the same time … you can never totally discount the importance of one’s physical appearance either.
For years, it was believed that men placed ten times more emphasis on a woman’s looks than the average woman placed on a man’s looks. The results of many surveys over the last decade or two have proved that to be a myth. Match.com conducted a survey a few years ago and found that women not only put as much emphasis on looks as men do, but from the neck-on-down, they actually place a tad bit more emphasis on men’s looks than men do.
When you think of the automobile you drive, would you say the appearance of it is more important than how well the engine or transmission works? Of course not. That being said though, would you want to drive an automobile that had a number of rust stains and bullet holes in the exterior? I doubt it. Most of us want the “total package” (i.e., a companion with a good looking physical appearance, intelligent, good sense of humor, good moral character and integrity, etc.). No “one attribute” should ever ‘make or break’ your interest in someone. Your attraction should always be based on the collective sum of what a man or woman has to offer.
Always strive to be the “best you” in terms of your health, fitness, and physical appearance.
2) Being married or involved in a long-term romantic relationship always offers more happiness and satisfaction than being single. No one wants to be single indefinitely.
Comment: Some men and women naively believe that getting involved in a long-term romantic relationship, or getting married, will be the key solution to all of their love life problems, sex life problems, and social life problems. For some men and women … this is a valid belief. For others? Anything but.
Just like I would say not all human beings were meant to be vegetarians, I would make the argument that not all men and women were meant to be indefinitely involved in long-term monogamous sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex.
I have known friends and acquaintances of mine who were happier before they got married than they were afterwards. I have known men who felt nagged and stressed out once they got married. I have known women who felt bored, ignored, or just plain miserable after exchanging wedding vows with their husband.
On the other hand, I know many men and women who absolutely love being single. They would not trade the single life for the world. Particularly men. I know some men who have absolutely no desire whatsoever to become a woman’s husband or long-term boyfriend.
Plain and simple, marriage and/or monogamy is not for everyone.
3) Never be a “control freak.” No one wants to date a man or woman who is a ‘control freak.’ Always be a person who is willing to compromise with others.
Comment: If you do your research on many directors in the feature-film industry, or many coaches in the professional sports industry, you will find that many successful directors and head coaches were labeled as “control freaks.” Most of the top chefs in the world tend to be perceived as control freaks. Same with many fashion designers. What some people refer to as a “control freak,” I tend to categorize as men and women who know exactly and specifically what results they want, and they are not willing to settle for any results that do not meet their expectations.
I remember when I was in graduate school at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana, I took two “personality tests” as part of a class I was enrolled in. One of the things that was revealed from my tests was that I have a tendency to be a bit of a control freak. I will confess: I do not like having a direct “boss.” I generally love being self-employed, and doing what I want to do. Many of my positions, such as book author, public speaker, talk radio host, and stand-up comedian have fallen into this category.
It’s like this: I know what I enjoy experiencing, and what I do not enjoy experiencing. I know what I want, and what I do not want. For example, I love chicken wings (fried, grilled, or baked!) and Peach Snapple. Why would I want to date a woman who says, “Honey … can’t you give up chicken wings and Peach Snapple for two weeks per month? For me??” Why would I want to do that? I would rather find a woman who shares my love for wings and Peach Snapple. Same with movies. I love movies. Why would I want to date a woman who wants me to “cut back” on watching movies? I would rather just find a woman who shares my love for my movies.
There are definitely certain situations where you should be a “compromising” person, but in many instances, I think the idea of being Mr. Overly-willing-to-compromise (or Ms. Overly-willing-to-compromise) is highly overrated.
4) Never have sex with a member of the opposite sex who you are “good friends” with. Sex complicates things, invites ‘drama’ and unnecessary arguments, and just generally ruins whatever ‘friendship’ you had. If you are friends with someone, keep it that way.
Comment: The most glaring evidence that this belief is totally invalid is simply the now popular terminology used by both men and women entitled “Friends-with-Benefits.” (FWB)
I can name at least a handful of “female friends” who I engaged in regular, semi-regular, or occasional sex with that I never experienced any major “drama” or heated arguments. Many women tend to offer the argument, “Well, once I have sex with a man, my emotions get involved.” If you are a woman, and you feel that way, that is on you. That is your choice. Do not present this argument as if you speak for ALL women.
If all women could only have sex with men who they were emotionally attached to, there would be no such thing as street prostitutes, professional Call Girls, or upscale Erotic Escorts. I can think of a number of women who I have had sex with once, twice, or three or more times where the woman and I never allowed emotions to get in the way of a great friendship.
If a man is mature, and a woman is emotionally mature, then a “friends-with-benefits” relationship can work. For men and women who tend to experience a lot of jealous and/or possessive feelings toward sex companions, then a FWB relationship will not work. It’s that simple.
I would offer the very strong argument that NOT having sex can also potentially “ruin” a friendship. And I am not really being facetious in stating this. Being serious, I personally have engaged in far more heated arguments and animosity filled “falling outs” with female friends who I never had sex with than I have with those I had sex with. For example, in 2012, I fell out with at least two of my former female friends, and these were women who I have never been physical or sexual with.
I predict many readers will agree with some of my Top Ten choices, while an equal number of readers will disagree with one or more of my assertions, but I stand by all of statements and opinions.
I want to hear from you! What are at least two or three “beliefs” or “attitudes” that you “used to” maintain regarding love, sex, attraction, seduction, dating and relationships that now, as you’ve grown older, you no longer view as truthful or valid?
Let me know!
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook is available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android smartphone, or other smartphone. If you are sign up for Amazon.com’s PRIME membership, you can read Alan Roger Currie’s new eBook for FREE. More details on Amazon.com
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program nationally in the category of “Romance” and dating & relationships on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details