My man took me out for a lovely dinner.
Me: Thanks so much for a lovely evening, baby.
Super Hot Dude Who Is Somehow My Man: And now we’re going to go home, snuggle on the couch, [puts his arm around me] watch Episode I of Star Wars…
Me: Geeeeez, dinner has a big price tag…
We compromised on Episode IV. And so it was that I finally watched- really watched- Episodes IV & V of Star Wars.
I know, I know. How dare I call myself a geek if I’m not even into Star Wars? Well first of all, it’s things like that which made me doubt my geekiness in the first place (hence the title of my blog). Secondly, as noted by the italics above, I have seen Star Wars before. In college. When I was more of a literary geek than a gamer geek, sci-fi geek, or whatever else I may be now. Since I’d never seen any of them, I decided to watch them all in one very long and very horribly boring weekend. You’d not believe the things I just *had* to do every thirty minutes or so in order for my boyfriend to allow me to take a break.
Um. I promise. That wasn’t what is sounded like.
So about a week before Christmas this year, I briefly mentioned to my guy that I wanted to give watching the whole of Star Wars another shot.
On Christmas morning, one of my presents was labeled for both of us. And he was all, “Santa wants us both to have this but if we ever break up, I totally get to keep this,” and I was all, “It’s too big to be insane jewelry and too small to be a Bentley so what the heck could something that valuable be, sir?” And he was all, “OPEN IT!” And it was a special edition of Star Wars with commentary and shorts and a piece of the Death Star and George Lucas’ firstborn and I was all, “Uhhhhhhhhhh, Santa mismarked this and meant to label it as, ‘Fake Present For Michelle But Really Present For Her Man,’ ” and he was alls, “Nope. You said you wanted to watch it. See? I listen to you. SO. GOOD.” And I realized then I need to not say everything that pops into my head.
Since then, I’ve been dodging opening it up because I feared a boring evening akin to what I experienced in college. I even watched Harry Potter, which I’d also been avoiding (and DARN IT, I liked them!) to distract him. But on that fateful night, it was time.
And yeah. I liked it. Of course. Hmph.
Here are some things I noticed as someone veee-eee-EEEEry late to the game that maybe you missed:
1. R2D2 would make the lousiest ninja EVER. I love R2D2. In fact, he’s all that I remember liking the first time around. But as he sneaks around with Luke in Episode V, I can’t help but wonder why they don’t have mute buttons in the future. Dude is LOUD. He can’t sneak up on anyone. He’s cute until you want to kick him in the nuts. If he had any.
2. The force isn’t THAT strong with that one because he doesn’t know his sister just made out with him. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to know about that if I watch it in the original order. But I’m supposed to believe that Luke can sense that Leia is dying a zillion lightyears away but NOT that they share way too much DNA when her mouth all up in his mouth?
3. Wall-E sounds like R2D2 and Jawas sound like the minions in Despicable Me. There are, of course, a zillion things copied off of Star Wars and I’m not even sure if that’s hyperbole. But I was amused by the Jawas and squeed over their cuteness the way I did the minions and realized i was because they acted and sounded much the same way. And my Facebook notification on my phone is of Wall-E and whenever R2D2 “spoke,” I thought my phone was going off.
4. Han and Leia are the worst couple ever. Oh hey, I’m an ice princess. Oh hi there, I’m a jerk. Let’s make googly eyes at each other and pretend it’s hatred. As if it wasn’t annoying me enough?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
Wow, Han. you really know how to sweep a lady off of her feet. I haven’t witnessed such sweet romance since Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey. Which I didn’t read. In a weekend. The whole trilogy. Not this girl. I’m totally above such things.
5. Leia isn’t hot. I’m not a hot-lady-hater. If I see someone I’m dating checking out someone, all it makes me feel is relieved because it means he’s not dead and has eyeballs. Women can be hotter than me and hey, that’s fine. I just don’t see the sex appeal of this chick. I know that the next one has her in a gold bikini and all but I’m pretty sure that dudes were crushing on her before it came out. But let’s pretend it’s the bikini. And yeah, her body’s great. Can we at least agree she has a butterface? (You know? She’s hot…but-her-face?) Add that to the very NOT sexy outfits she usually has on and I’m scratching my head.
Okay, actually, I get it. Leia is a badass and badass chicks were still a slightly newish thing when it was originally released. The girl held her own, bossed people around, and shot laser guns.
So her ice princess-ness equals her sex appeal? Man, you guys are twisted.
Except girls were/are fainting all over Han. And Christian Grey. So we’re all stupid.