Notre Dame wanted to be considered the best team in college football. So did Alabama, as well as a good number of other NCAA Division I schools, such as Georgia, Oregon, Texas A&M, among others. Because all of us have egos, we all want to be considered “#1” in some area of our lives, but the reality is, none of us can be #1 in everyone’s eyes.
This relates to the problem I have with men and women (and particularly women) when it comes to dating and relationships. For example, I was a featured speaker at a “Relationship Chat” last fall, and this woman said to me at one point, “Even when I decide to just have casual sex with a man, I still want to be treated special.” Really now. I had another woman express a similar comment to me during a phone conversation just last week.
A high school English teacher by the name of David McCullough, Jr., attracted attention last June when he told a group of graduating seniors, “You are not special. You are not exceptional. Even if you are one in a million, there are 6.8 billion people on this planet.” Many applauded his straightforward realism while others harshly criticized his comments and suggested that his commentary had the potential to undermine the self-esteem of those teenage boys and girls.
Here is when I think a woman deserves the label of “special” when it comes to romance and sex: When you are the first girlfriend of a man who he has even remotely thought about a) proposing to; b) remaining sexually monogamous with indefinitely; and/or c) being excited over the prospect of you being pregnant with his child and you two raising children together. If you do not fall into one or more of those three categories (and particularly, “a” and “b”), then you are really not ‘special’ in his eyes.
My simple “formula” for a good relationship is talking and exchanging orgasms. If you are a woman OR a man, if you are not your companion’s favorite conversationalist … or favorite lover … there is a greater than fifty percent chance that your relationship is going to come to an end at some point in the not-too-distant future. At bare minimum, your companion is going to “step out on you” in order to engage in more entertaining conversations with another man and/or more enjoyable and satisfying sex with another man.
When you are in a relationship with someone that you never get tired of talking to, and you never get tired of having sex with, this is when you can classify yourself as being involved in a “good, healthy relationship.” I personally have never met a couple that is currently involved in a very long-lasting marriage or relationship that did not enjoy conversing with each other regularly, and who did not enjoy sexually satisfying their spouses / companions regularly.
Many women I am acquainted with say to me all the time, “Alan, you seem to be more into casual sex than long-term monogamous relationships. Why is that? Are you against marriage?” I am not against marriage at all. My simple answer would be I have yet to meet a woman that both a) motivates me to want to engage in conversation with her on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis, and b) excites me so much sexually to the point where I want to have sex with no other woman but her. I think many men who are currently bachelors would echo my sentiments.
I have met a handful of women over the years who fell into category “A,” but not “B.” I have met another handful (or two) of women who fell into category “B,” but not “A.”
Here are my assertions:
1) If you enjoy talking to a woman regularly, but there is only an average (or worse, less-than-average) degree of sexual attraction, chemistry, and compatibility present, then you are better off just maintaining a platonic friendship.
2) If you find that having sex with a woman is mind-blowing and totally satisfying, but when you are around this woman non-sexually, she either a) bores you to death or b) irritates you to no end, then that is when this woman should never be elevated to anything greater than just a “casual sex partner” or “fu** buddy.”
The main obstacle is, men usually have a problem with Alternative Option #1, and women usually have a problem with Alternative Option #2. End result? Many men and women enter into relationships and/or marriages that they know deep down are not going to be enjoyable, satisfying, or long-lasting.
A man admitted this to me just yesterday. I was having breakfast at a restaurant, and an older gentleman (I believe he said he was in his early sixties) overheard me mention that I was a book author and public speaker, so he decided to come to my booth, and ask me questions about my career. Later, he started pouring his heart out to me about the woman who is about to divorce him.
He placed fifty percent of the blame on her for the divorce, and fifty percent on himself. I found that rare, because most people usually put most if not all of the blame on their spouse / companion for a failed marriage or relationship. He confessed that his soon-to-be-former-wife told him upfront that she looked at him more as “Sugar Daddy” material than true husband material, but he ignored those early comments of hers. On the other hand, he criticized his wife for cheating on him throughout the latter half of their marriage.
I asked him bluntly, “If she told you straight-up that her primary interest in you was your financial generosity, why did you propose to her in the first place? And once you found out she was having sex with other men, why weren’t you the first one to file for divorce instead of her?” The gentleman said, “I felt like most men in her life, based on my conversations with her, had treated her like nothing more than a ‘nice piece of ass.’ I wanted to be the guy to treat her different. I wanted to be viewed as a guy who would treat her special.” In some circles, other men would label the gentleman I conversed with a “Captain-Save-A-Ho” (fairly or unfairly).
Not all women deserve to be treated “special.” Not all men deserve to be treated “special.” I believe there are only a handful of men and women you will meet in your life that you will experience a true “special” romantic connection with. Everyone else is simply … everyone else.
I will never treat a woman who I want nothing more than a platonic friendship with like she’s “girlfriend” material or ‘wifey’ material. Same goes for a woman who I want nothing more than short-term non-monogamous casual sex with. If that means I end up being called a “jerk” or an “a–hole,” or something similar, so be it.
Again, if you treat everyone special, then essentially no one is really “special.”
You want to be special? As alluded to above, work on your conversation skills and your bedroom skills. Everything else is secondary (at least, initially) to those two priorities. Because if you are not up to par in those two areas, and someone is telling you that you are “special,” 99.9% chance, they are lying to you.
The only thing worse than others lying to you is you being guilty of lying to yourself.
Just ask the gentleman I met in the restaurant.
You are (potentially) “special” to SOMEONE … but not EVERYONE. Remember that.
Happy New Year.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook is available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android smartphone, or other smartphone. If you are sign up for Amazon.com’s PRIME membership, you can read Alan Roger Currie’s new eBook for FREE. More details on Amazon.com
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program nationally in the category of “Romance” and dating & relationships on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details