There’s no middle ground here.
Sure, you may be an “animal lover.” Maybe you’re a veterinarian. Maybe you donate half of every paycheck to PETA. Maybe you have a farm with all kinds of animals, like Alpacas and Wooly Mammoths and Narwhals. Regardless, whatever it is you may claim is the truth, there is one truth: You’re either a cat person or a dog person (or you just hate everything, but we’re ignoring that weird mutation in humanity for the moment).
In the annals of history, nothing has been more consistent, in terms of an anthropological reality. There are cat people. There are dog people. Sometimes, they meet somewhere in the middle, but those unions are fractured at the outset — doomed to an unholy and violent end in most cases.
In a nutshell: Cat people should not mix too closely with Dog people.
That’s easy enough. You have your dog, that guy making eyes over the conference room table in the marketing team’s quarterly planning session has a cat. You know better. Don’t engage.
But the truth is, there are plenty of dog people with no dog, and plenty of cat people who have no cat. Maybe one just died, or their work schedule has made it hard to care for a pet.
So, we turn to predictors. Statistical evidence that infers which way someone may lean. And to do this we need some data.
On Jan. 2, 2013, a poll was completed by 230 people. This was a highly scientific poll, inasmuch as Google Docs is science-y, kind of. We tabulated all of the data using our extensive spreadsheet formula skills, and now, we present the results.
First, the disclaimers: I polled my Facebook friends and Twitter followers. So, the audience is limited to the biased circles within my own particular network. Most are American, all are over the age of 18 and only a handful of felons. One or two of them also “liked” Nickelback, so I should probably disclose that as well.
And now, here comes the science:
59% of those polled said dogs were better than cats.
Now that we’ve established the dogs are better, let’s look into the populations of responders.
Women like cats more than men do.
68% of the responders were cat ladies, 42% of the women landed on Team Dog.
If you have a cat, you’re more likely to be divorced.
1% of the Dog team was divorced, as opposed to 4% of Cat people.
You’re 6% more likely to be rich if you’re a dog person.
Relatively speaking, that is. In this case “rich” = earning more than $110,000/year, household-wise, as that was our top bracket. Come to think of it, that’s barely middle class these days. Wow. The economy kinda blows, huh?
Dog people are free thinkers.
While cat people trended to be a little more liberal, percentage-wise, dog people had a 7% greater incidence of people who self-identified as “independents” on our political spectrum.
Dog people have better love lives.
In a convincing fashion, in fact… You’re 32% more likely to be married if you’re a dog person. Conversely, the divorce rate for cat people? DOUBLE that of dog people. And even more astounding: The incidence of cat people in “polyamorous” relationships? TRIPLE that of dog people (although, I’m sure they would argue this is a good thing). Disclaimer on that point: I didn’t ask about religion on this one. Now I wish I had.
Cat people have more mental illness.
You read that right. Another eye opener: Cat people are 34% more likely to be treated at some point in their lives for mental illness. And there could be a genetic predisposition at play here, too—cat people are 24% more likely to have mental illness in their family.
Conclusion: Dogs > Cats
You can argue all you want about the subjectives. Dogs bring you your slippers or a ball to play with. Cats bring you attitude. Dogs think you’re God. Cats think they’re God. Dogs protect you. Cats, given half a chance, will turn on you, rip your face off, then steal your car and hightail it to a non-extradition treaty country to another house (while you lay bleeding and faceless on the kitchen linoleum) where the new sucker there will give them better food and clean their litter box more often. Which brings us to another point, and one I’ve said before: If you have a cat, that means you have a box of poop in your house.
But those are all subjectives. The statistics don’t lie. Dog people have more money, are happier, have better relationships and all around better mental health than cat people. Ergo, Dogs are better than cats.
Hey, don’t blame the messenger, pal.