They say there is a first for everything. Well, for The First Time In Bachelor History… the episode did not begin with a shirtless montage of Sean. Based on the short previews of the episode it appears that it will be very Tierra-centered. This will be dramatic and annoying, but very good for me as I have chosen her to be on my Fantasy Bachelor Team. Yes, I participate in a Fantasy Bachelor Team. The winning prize? Dignity, obviously.
Chris Harrison drops off the date card which reads, “Selma, let’s turn the heat up.” What a great job it must be to create the tag lines for each date card. You only have one job requirement: Make the innocent date activity sound sexual.
Selma is stoked for her date. She has a very vivid and specific image of how the date will proceed. She describes, “First he’ll see me. Then we will take it to the next level. And then the next level. And then we will have babies.” Holy crap, are there only two levels before babies? And are levels different than bases? I clearly was not paying attention in sex ed class.
Leslie H. is very upset she did not get the one-on-one date. Calm down, people! It is only the first date. I guess it makes sense people are so enveloped in this entire process. They aren’t working. All they do is sit around a mansion talking about Sean and ruminating over every little situation that happens. Tears are inevitable. I’m also convinced the showers they use have estrogen in them that spray them every time they bathe.
Things get Rocky with Selma:
Sean claims that he has been looking forward to this date with Selma for a really long time. Quick mathematical computations… and impossible. You’ve known her for a couple weeks.
Somehow they develop a conversation about dancing and Selma’s incapacity to do so. Sean asks if she can at least slow dance. She retorts, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of me?” Way to subtly sneak in your weight on national television. Also, considering the size of her boobs, her body weight must only be 70 pounds.
They get out of their limo and transfer to a jet (with accompanying red carpet). Are all these modes of transportation necessary? In the jet, Selma drapes her boobs over Sean, practically falling out of her seat. This can not be following jet safety regulations. Safety never takes a holiday, people. Sit up with your boobs and 110- pound body under your seatbelt.
As she exits the jet the giant microphone apparatus strapped to her back is so obtrusively large it looks like a third back boob. Haven’t we advanced enough in technology to avoid this problem? We can perform microscopic heart surgery. We can split an atom. We have the INTERNET. Why can’t we get a microphone to be smaller than a third back boob?
As Selma walks from the jet to a range rover (how much fuel is being wasted here?) she complains how hot it is and comments that Sean “took the Iraqi to a desert.” Did I hear that right?
Selma acts like they are literally in the middle of a desert. Yet, they park in a parking lot. There typically aren’t paved parking lots in the middle of nowhere. Turns out they are in Joshua Tree National Park. Selma continues to complain about the heat and whines, “I feel puffy…. so this should be interesting…” Oh dear god, is anyone else intensely curious about what happens when this girl gets puffy?
Sean continues this hot date by telling her they are going to climb a 100-foot rock. This is funnier when Sean informs us that he knew she wasn’t athletic yet picked this date anyway. Selma confirms this by looking directly at the camera and in a deadpan fashion announces, “I’m going to fall. And die.”
Upon reflection, this is actually a rather stressful situation, let alone, date. This chick is seriously earning her meal here. She is having panic attacks while climbing, but Sean continues to tell her that she looks cute in a helmet. Ok, no one looks cute in a helmet. Let’s be clear.
Then Selma has a rush of adrenaline and starts climbing like Spider Man’s sister. She is out-climbing Sean at a frightening speed. Is this what happens when she gets puffy?!
The two reach the top. To my happiness neither of them make an analogy of reaching the top to some pinnacle in a relationship. Then for everyone’s amusement they stare off into the distance, Titanic style and say, “I’m sitting on top of the world!”
The camera crew fails to show us how they got down from the rock and Sean and Selma go to dinner. Sean takes her to a dark area with a romantic unknown destination. Selma is freaking out as if she were on the Blair Witch Project. (You’re welcome for the ever so current reference). They end up in what I can only describe as a child-like, hipster, trailer park.
Despite all the various trailers, Selma and Sean eat outside of them. Selma has the propensity to just lie across him like a booby blanket (similar design to a Snuggie- except I just made it up). Her ability to get very comfortable renders awkward and compromising camera angles.
Sean clearly wants to kiss her, but Selma explains that he can’t kiss her because it is against her culture. Her mom is disapproving of her presence on the show. Which in all fairness, it’s not like The Bachelor is the best show to be on… but then again, it’s not the worst.
Sean is respectful but visually frustrated that he can’t kiss her. “So since you can’t kiss me, I’m guessing that would be a ‘no’ for the Fantasy Suite…?” However, you have to admit, they look very comfortable. They have a very lying-in-bed-on-a-Sunday-morning comfort. Minus any kissing.
She gets a rose and Sean gets… not a kiss. But, he says he is willing to wait to kiss her. Can you imagine waiting until the end, asking her to marry you and then finding out she is the worst kisser ever?
“Roll with the punches” – Descartes
The group date card arrives and the girls get ready to go. Amanda surprisingly quotes a philosopher and says, “Descartes says, ‘We have to roll with the punches.’” At first I was impressed that she quoted Descartes, and then I realized that made no sense. Then I realized I misheard her say, “Descartes” for “date card.” I really give these girls the benefit of the doubt. I think, therefore, I am… way too generous to them.
The girls go to a roller derby rink. I have actually been to a roller derby and it is no joke. Things get real. The roller derby is also my worst nightmare because it combines two of my biggest fears: 1) Rollerskating without a railing 2) Women purposely looking to hit other women.
Sean thinks the date will be fun because “all you girls are so sweet.” Everyone rolls their eyes and glares at Tierra. Sean predicts Tierra and Amanda will have some spunk and aggression to their roll.
The girls warm up and are falling hard and without grace. Someone is going to lose a tooth for sure.
Sarah (one-arm) has problems with balance and it is simultaneously endearing and heartbreaking. Dude, give the girl a rose already.
Amanda (who lied and told everyone she was an experienced roller derby-er) falls pretty hard and people think she broke her chin. The medics (who are on standby, obviously) ask her where it hurts. Um, probably where she just face-planted. The girls are whispering and asking if she shattered her jaw. Ok, obviously there are no future doctors in the rink.
But Sean, being the caring man he is, expresses his worry as well, “She’s having a hard time opening her mouth. Which concerns me.” Ya. I’m sure it does, Sean… He takes her to a car where a random driver with a piece of yellow paper (probably directions to a hospital) takes her away.
But, the date must go on! However, Sean announces that due to potential injuries, they will not have a competition, but just turn the date into a 4th grade disco party free skate. How romantic.
After they finish their free skate and hand out party favors, the girls change from 4-wheeled shoes to 4-inch heels for a cocktail party. Sean feels remorse for all the injuries and drama so says that he “wants them to get loose, hang out with me and not worry about breaking their jaw…” We need to work on word choice, Sean.
Tierra is still working on the whole “play well with others” thing. She gets jealous when other girls talk to him and she is starting to look really intense as signified by her twitching eyebrow. She is pissed because she has been on 3 group dates. Blasphemy!
In the middle of Tierra’s rage, Amanda returns from the hospital, and looks completely undamaged. She blabs on and on to Sean about her jaw and concludes, “I feel like I can’ t talk.” And yet, here you are.
Tierra is now outraged and overreacting to everything. She claims she is going to “just walk out of here.” She goes up to a producer (who looks about 17 years old) and cries, “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?!” She makes it sound like she is living as a kidnapped hostage.
She grabs Sean so she can cry to him and explains how this show is torture. She says it is so hard because, “I’m so sensitive and so emotional!” And ever so subtle. Sean pretty much convinces her to stay without doing much, because we all know she wasn’t going to leave in the first place. Sean leaves to get the rose. All the other girls are in shock. Tierra wins.
I guess money really can’t buy love. Damn.
Leslie H. receives the last date card which comes with a nice pair of diamond earrings. She is ecstatic and squeals, “It’s just like the movie, Pretty Woman!” Hopefully not just like the movie. Because I’m pretty sure she was a prostitute.
Sean picks her up in a sports car and they go to Beverly Hills to essentially recreate Pretty Woman. Old people take pictures of them, obviously confused who these D-list stars are on Rodeo Drive.
Leslie tries on dresses and then buys shoes and a purse. Pretty sure she should have just gone balls to the walls on this one and bought everything. Based on the number of times that both of them mention Pretty Woman you would think it was an ABC Family movie.
Finally, Sean takes her to NEIL LANE, where they pick out… a necklace. What a tease- taking the girl to the place that provides the final engagement ring to every Bachelor season. Although, what a terribly anti-climactic ending to a season that would have been. Oh here are some clothes, Leslie. One more thing… let’s go to Neil Lane. Here is a wedding ring. Will you marry me? [end show]
She ends up getting a necklace that is 120 carats of diamonds. I don’t even know what that means. It’s almost a little weird how much they are just throwing at Leslie. ABC attempting to make amends for their diversity failures in previous 19 seasons?
Suddenly it is night time and they go to dinner. Sean is contractually obliged to mention to Leslie that she is only borrowing the necklace… but the earrings are hers. It’s a bit awkward. I’m pretty sure Richard Gere never said that.
They talk and eat dinner and “holy moley, Batman” does Leslie have vivid facial expressions. She’s cool though and genuinely not annoying. But, there is really no spark between them. She keeps talking about open communication and family… blah blah blah. Can we just talk about how she is a poker dealer? I remain very intrigued.
Sean reiterates how beautiful, funny, and intelligent Leslie is, but that he feels no connection. He picks up the rose (why would he do that?) and explains to her that they don’t have chemistry.
Sean: Leslie, I think you are great. You’re attractive, stunning, and we have great conversation. However, although I just picked up this rose dramatically and slowly, I cannot give it to you because we have no chemistry. Upon reflection, picking up the rose may have been a mistake because now I don’t know where to put it or what to do with my hands.
I feel bad for Leslie because no one wants to hear that they don’t have chemistry (especially Bill Nye). But, at the same time, if Leslie knows what’s good for her she will gracefully stand up, thank Sean for his time and RUN LIKE THE WIND! RUN AS FAST AS THOSE LEGS CAN CARRY YOU! You have thousands of dollars around your neck. RUN! DON’T LOOK BACK!
Leslie is a classy broad and doesn’t flee. In fact, as she is getting into the cab, she reminds Sean that she needs to give the necklace back. Ok, I can’t tell if this girl is honest or just dumb. As she drives away I am sad because she was a normal girl who just wanted love… ya ok, she was also on my Fantasy Bachelor Team.
Just to really reinforce the fact that Leslie left, the band that was hired to play for their date continues to perform regardless of the lack of audience. Sean dramatically holds the un-given rose, leaning on a balcony, while listening to the music that never reached Leslie’s ears… Wait for the dramatic rose drop… wait for it… BOOM. Rose to the ground. Petals everywhere.
This is always my least favorite part of the episode. It really becomes clear how long 2 hours can last.
Robyn gives a weird pickup line about chocolate. She asks him what kind of chocolate he wants. Awkwardly kisses him. Repositions herself. Kisses him. Giggles like a school girl.
Tierra causes drama again. Then she apologizes.
Catherine nicknames Tierra, Tierra-ble! Then looks at the camera man like a deer in headlights with a “oh did she hear me?” look. Catherine gives Sean a small piece of paper with a wet, glossy kiss print. With no inflection in her voice tells Sean, “I am so attracted to you.” To remove themselves from the vision of the other girls they walk outside so they can kiss in private.
Rose Ceremony (finally!)
Sean opens the rose ceremony by announcing, “I am so confident now that I might just find my wife.” Somehow his resounding confidence is negated by his “just might” attitude.
Amanda goes home without a rose but with a bruised chin. It’s ok Amanda, don’t lose hope for finding love- chin up.
Next week, someone goes to the hospital again. By the looks of it they have hypothermia. Again. Unnecessary. Additionally, next week there will be 2 episodes aired on 2 nights. That is just completely unhealthy. You do not need 2 episodes of 2-hour long shows on 2 nights. One is enough! One is enough! See how unnecessary two is?! See how unnecessary two is?!
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