Last night on ABC, we had a second night of The Bachelor with a special called, “Sean Says Nothing.” Oh wait, I got that wrong. It was called “Sean Showers!” Err, pardon me…let me get this straight (and shirtless), it was called, “Sean Tells All.” Yes, that’s right (and left, and straight down the middle)…
Did you miss last night’s episode? Get caught up here: Last Night’s Recap
So, while the title of the show, “Sean Tells All” is a bit misleading since he told very little at all, there were a few “Rose Petal Revelations” worth mentioning:
I cannot be the only who fondled it, Err, I mean found it rather pectoral –Shoot, I mean peculiar — to watch two grown men sitting in over-sized chairs, nestled by a crackling fire, talk about kissing and how each slobber session ranked. Weird.
Seriously, did they film “Sean Tells All” on set of the Yankee Candle Company? Or, is it a brothel? At the very least, it’s a “bro”-thel between Sean Lowe and hunky host Chris Harrison. One man who is “Des”initely EXcluded from the man-love, is Des’ thugbro, Nathan!
Sean takes a moment to explain to Chris, and the viewing audience, why he felt the need to send Des on her way. Sean replays the confrontation with her brother and admits that it took everything in him to control his temper. And presumably his fist.
He tells us that he was at a crucial place, needing to decide between Des and Catherine and thus had to ask himself, “Can I spend the rest of my life with this person?” For Catherine, the answer was a resounding yes. For Des, it was I think so. Translation: Hell no! This chick’s brother is an asshat!
KISS AND TELL (All)
…and I’m not referring to the title of Disney channel star and teeny bopper sensation Selena Gomez’s debut album, Kiss and Tell. I’m referring to the fact that Sean went into detail as to how some of the “contestants’ perform in the lip-locking department.
On a scale of zero to ten arms, Sarah ranked about a one. Okay, 1 ½ to be fair.
Sean tells us, “I wanted to put my arm (singular) around Sarah.” But when he went in for the kiss, however? He felt nothing. Zilch. Zero chemistry. Hands down, she had to go
Sooooooo…Sean basically admitted on national TV that Sarah was a terrible kisser. OUCH!
On a scale of 1 to 10, Sean’s desire to launch a “missile strike” in Selma’s Persian Gulf was about a 10.
There was no denying that Sean had Desert Storm size chemistry with the Iraqi, Selma. However, her culture would only allow her to thrust her boob-flesh into Sean’s face; it would not permit her to do something tangible, like kiss him.
Thus, they spent their time sharing passionate Eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses and…? Well, ultimately the kiss of death! The minute Selma decided to shun her parents and kiss Sean on TV, he sent her home. She departed with her head hung low, between her sweaty, deserted cleavage.
BAKED WITH “LOVE”
If I were to ever go on Bachelor (which I sure as hell will not since I’ve got my wits about me- SmithWit in this case!), I would tell them that my biggest fears were diamonds, Tahiti, vodka & anything that tastes like salted caramel. Then, I’d pray to the good Lord above that they lock me up in a cage with just my fears and heart-throb of an intelligent man.
We’d spend all day as caged animals feeding each other Little Debbie Snack Cakes and feeding each other lines like Sean and Lesley uttered: “Mmmmm, baby baby. Stick it in my mouth!” and “YOU KNOW HOW DADDY LIKES HIS BROWNIE! GIVE IT TO ME!”
Oh, wait, where was I?…
Oh, yes…we were listening to Lesley and Sean’s ménage à brownie! Lesley could certainly pour on the naughty talk. But when it came to telling him “I love you,” she couldn’t dish out the words he was waiting to hear her say. Thus, she heard the word she feared, “Goodbye.”
By the queso, Sean, making a woman take all the risk in the relationship is lame, not masculine, and frankly, pretty cowardly. Chew on that, big boy! So far, you’ve had more sexual activity with that brownie than you have with a female.
GIVE ME A BROW! Err, I MEAN A BREAK!
Sean finally comes to his senses and realizes Tierra should never have been on the show in the first place. She lacked the ability to get along well in the sandbox with others and absolutely abhors people.
Yet, Tierra remains the most talked about topic of the season. Or as Chris Harrison would add, “In Bachelor History!!!”
It’s not that we don’t want you to choose love, Sean. We just don’t want you to choose love with THAT one, Sean!!!
”When I watch it back,” Sean says, “I think, man, I was such a fool.’ Because I really do feel like I was duped,” Sean said of the Tierrarist. “Had I caught wind of everything the girls did earlier, I wouldn’t have kept her.” And then Chris called Tierra “a cancer”– Which is pretty unfair to cancer, frankly. Especially since she’s previously told us she’s a Scorpio.
THE SNARK TANK
Here are my miscellaneous comments and snarkastic remarks about what we learned last night:
Sean is at a crucial moment in his final journey to find love. When he accepted the role of bachelor, he thought if he was lucky he’d develop feelings for one person. He never imagined he’d feel something towards three. (And I never imagined he’s never watched this damn show before to learn this is how it goes!!!!)
Sean admits that next week he wants “alone time with each woman, away from the cameras.” And we don’t doubt that at all, Sean “Get Low” Lowe. After all, here’s what we now know that you know:
• Catherine is SO FLEXIBLE she can fit in a wheel well of a truck. What guy doesn’t like “Flexibility” in the bedroom?
• My heart tells me Sean will pick Catherine.
• My brain tells me Sean will pick Lindsay.
• But Swiffer Sweeper insists he pickAshLee.
Oh Phuket, let’s go to Thailand! I’ll meet you all there next week, rose lovers, as “Yawn Fest 2013” continues. Hopefully things will get a little more exciting in the Fantasy Sweats. Err, I mean Fantasy Suites.
Just one last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees –and ADD YOUR COMMENT as to why I should win.
Cheers for now, lovers!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We’re all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life can deliver through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass the giggles on…
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