When this week’s episode of The Bachelor started, I had to check to make sure I was on the right station; I didn’t recognize Sean with his shirt on. “Abs”parently Sean took a break from his on-screen workout regimen? Perhaps he pulled his right tonsil during last week’s three-minute make out session? Who can say for sure? What we do know, however, is that Selma earns the first one-on-one date.
Date #1: Rock On
A private jet takes the duo to what Selma believes is going to be an exotic date. But there’s nothing exotic about being dumped in the middle of the hot desert! Way to go, guys! Taking the Iraqi to the desert is like bringing bread to Subway. But who has room to eat bread when you weigh 110 pounds, right Selma? Perhaps Selma is short for Salmonella? Meh.
Hey girl, if I only weighed 110 pounds of man-made flesh, I’d announce it on national TV too! Sheesh, I weighed 110 pounds and 5 ounces at birth. But let’s be honest, tatter tot, at least 108 of your 110 pounds is in your breast implants.
Boobing on. Err, I mean moving on…
Any hoochie ho, Sean and Salmonella have been dumped at Joshua Tree National Park to sweat it out whilst rock climbing. Selma admits she’s “Tierrafied” of heights (HA!). She’s also afraid of popping a breast on a rock shear, but I digress.
After much useless chatter, mostly by Selma, the two scale the side of the rock and arrive victorious at the top. And speaking of top, by then, Selma was very much falling out of hers! Eeks.
By nightfall, Sean takes Selma to a trailer park where they undoubtedly tossed back a box of wine, sucked the cream filling out of Ding Dongs with a straw and shared a box of cloves while listening to an 8-track of Jeff Foxworthy. Seriously ABC? A trailer park? What in the world? Yet, the two kept saying the date was perfect. Peculiar really, since I saw no evidence of Del Taco and silly-string. Now, that’d be white-trash perfection!
Deep in the heart of an airstream, Selma tells Sean she won’t be able to kiss him because her mom would go Desert-Storm on her Iraqi arse if she did. In her culture, it’s not proper for a young lady to kiss someone on national TV. But it’s completely okay for her to wobble her fake hooters in his face and stub her camel toe on his lap? Interesting culture, Selma. At any rate, she gets a rose..and nipple chaffing.
Date #2: Whip It
The group date takes a batch of broads to the roller derby rink for a bout, Bachelor-style. And nothing says romance like helmets, mouth guards and skinned elbows. ME-OWWW!
Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Tierra and one-armed Sarah are on this date. Now, having participated in Roller Derby (you can call me “Sweet Humps”), I can attest to the fact that roller derby would be IMPOSSIBLE to do without the two arms. Let alone two balls. It’s brutal. Why not just challenge Sarah’s balancing abilities and take her to Niagara Falls and make her walk a tight rope? You know, since you can, you heartless tarts!
And speaking of tarts, Amanda lies to the clan and tells them she’s a roller derby pro in order to instill fear in them. And it works splendidly. Well, until she uses her face as a stopper to skid her mouth to a dramatic close. Finally. Silence!
Interestingly, this is the first time in Amanda’s dating career that her jaw has been sore at the beginning of a date instead of the end. Ouch.
And then some other stuff happens at the rink of zero entertainment value.
Later in the evening, the pack of women sit on a roof top deck chit-chatting with one another but paying no attention to “Tierrable.” Well, she is fed up with being “tortured” and marches to find Sean.
Clearly, Tierra’s definition of torture is a lot different than mine. Mansions, dates, helicopters, glamour…torture.
Tierra intercepts Sean before he got busy with Lindsay in a hot tub, scrounged up a few fake tears and divulged to her man that what she’s been going through is sheer torture. She goes on about how she doesn’t like drama. (With a name like Tierra how could she?!) She also admits that girls have always been jealous of her. Blinded by all of the red flags, Sean decides to give her a red rose. Then they made out in a weird, dark corner as Amanda brooded in the shadows, irritated that she nearly broke her fake, Err, I mean face, for nothing.
Date #3: Pretty Whoa Man
The next one-on-one date goes to Leslie H, the girl from Houston with nine thousand and thirty-two teeth. She is the prized recipient of the “Pretty Woman” date. Just moments after getting the date card, she also comes down with a sudden case of chlamydia and herpes because now she’s a prostitute!!! Yippee! Oh wait, not really.
Do women really dream of going on a Pretty Woman-style date? The last thing I want to have to do is try on a ton if ill-fitting Charlotte Russe dresses in front of a guy who would rather be bench-pressing a 110-pound Iraqi girl. Just me? Meh. Seriously, I’d rather try on clothes in the privacy of my Forever 21 dressing room where I can sweat and bust out of zippers in the privacy of my own room with twenty-one shades of tears.
Unfortunately, the only thing that was shining on that date was the diamonds she was wearing. The conversation fell flat, as did the romance. Thus, Sean kindly shut her down, walked her to the waiting limo, removed the loaner jewels from around her neck and sent her back to Hollywood Boulevard to turn tricks for a gerbil-loving man driving a Lotus Espirit.
Cocktails and Roses
At the rose ceremony everyone was lashing out because Tierra is a dark cloud of hairspray and doom. She is heard saying to the camera, “I am going to win this!” Umm, Tierra, just so we’re clear – you “win” Sean’s heart, not Sean. Get is straight, sister.
The women who receive roses are Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, and Daniella.
Amanda ends up going home. Hopefully to brush up on her roller skating skills.
Next week, we’ll have to suffer through FOUR hours of this show?! GROSS! There will be the regularly scheduled program on Monday night and then an additional two hour train wreck on Tuesday. Plus, there’s another ambulance! Will the madness ever end?
One last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees and providing your own comment. Vote Now
That’s all for now, rose lovers! See you again next Monday! AND Tuesday!!!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are not intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people.
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