One of the key most ingredients for any healthy relationship is honesty. It should always be found in one’s actions and communication. Honesty brings about a sense of comfort. For where there is honesty, there usually isn’t another hidden agenda. It simply is what it is. Once the truth is revealed, even if it’s one we aren’t very fond of, our choices become easier because we have all the pertinent information we need. Dishonesty brings about nothing but confusion. In every relationship there is an expectation of integrity. But before we can be completely honest with any other human, we first have to be honest with ourselves; which isn’t always all that fun.
It’s easy to recognize imperfections in our mates and others in general, but when the time roles around for us to take a self-assessment we sometimes make excuses as to why things aren’t what they really are. It is hard to own the ugly side of who we are. That is normally the side we spend most of our time hiding from the rest of the world. But when it does arrive, why not be honest about what it is, its purpose and why it exists at all.
The right things to do are pretty obvious to most everyone. We can distinguish between right and wrong, yet in certain situations we struggle with adhering to the same rules we said we would follow. We allow ourselves to get sucked in by emotions and reactions that could potentially harm our relationship. No, it’s not easy to make the correct choice in every moment. However, having a sense of awareness during the moments we choose not to do the right thing could potentially change the outcome of any situation.
In the heat of the moment, we lose all sanity and acknowledgement of what is best for that moment. When our emotion is anger, our goal becomes to make someone else angry. Once sadness appears, of course someone else should feel the same way. So in our communication and actions we feel the need to evoke those feelings on someone else. Here lies most couples’ biggest challenge. How couples relate to one another is based on how they want their partner to feel as a result. Sometimes that is positive, other times it’s negative, but all times, we know going in what our intentions and motives are. Did you know you possess the ability to control yourself in the moment? Individuals actually have more power over how they react than they care to admit. We can stop ourselves the moment we know the agenda is turning into something we will regret. Keep in mind you don’t have to follow through with a negative agenda.
If you struggle with maintaining a positive agenda with your partner, here are a few suggestions:
Examine your motives. Ask questions like “what is the purpose for my reacting the way I am reacting?” If you come up with an answer you aren’t very proud of, choose a different reaction.
Question if the reaction is appropriate. Ask yourself if the punishment you are about to administer fits the crime. If it doesn’t, take a step back.
Examine the other individual’s intentions. Do you really think they want to hurt you? If the answer is no, your goal should no longer be to hurt that person.
Question why this particular agenda is so important. What have you made the incident/situation mean about you? Why has it had the effect it has had on you? Occasionally the things which make us the most upset stem from a past hurt or disappointment. Seek counseling if needed, but serious past hurts must be addressed in order to move forward.
Having a negative agenda from time to time does not make someone a bad person. However, acknowledging and being truthful is the beginning of healing and putting the best of yourself into your relationship.